Soak: Seasick
by belle.nisce
Summary: [Tamahome x Tasuki] Tamahome is broken, laden with worries, and the last person he would turn to is somebody like Tasuki. So why is he in Tasuki's room?
1. Friends

**SOAK: SEASICK**

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**A/N:** Right, so after seeing that my favorite slash pairing of all time didn't get a lot of fan attention as far as fiction, I decided that if you want something done right, you just have to do it yourself. Well… I don't know if it's done right. (hehe.) That's for you to decide. Part two is honestly more erm… "active"…but for now, just bear with me.

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_Prologue _

Perhaps it was because Tasuki never liked women. Or perhaps it was the fact that he had never given the other sex a try and was, to say in the least, a bit homophobic. At any rate, the red-haired bandits lack of sexual preference intrigued the fellow Suzaku Seishi, Tamahome.

It started when the two had to room together in the imperial palace. They were already known to 'get along famously', so everyone assumed that placing them together would help them get over their rather rocky places. The first two weeks, so to speak, was hell for them both, with Tasuki making wise-ass cracks at Tamahome and flaming him whenever he could make it look like an 'accident'. Tamahome, trying to practice self control, would usually lose it and push Tasuki out of the window into the river running by Hotohori's palace two or three times a day. Consequently, their room was dripping wet half the time, and the other half, it smelled of smoke and burnt flesh from Tasuki's little escapades on Tamahome. It was like an unspoken contempt between the two, who found that the other stretched his willpower to the limits. For the next week or so, the grudge between them deepened somewhat, and they didn't talk to each other at all except when they had to.

Even through his thick disgust for Tamahome (and rather thick skull), Tasuki couldn't help but notice that his roommate never slept much. Often times he would roll over and yawn only to find Tamahome standing at the window that looked out to the trickling river, seemingly deep in thought, his lavender eyes narrowed. 'The smell of the river is probably getting to what little brain he has,' thought Tasuki, after three consecutive nights. Then he would roll over again and fall asleep again.

Then came the night when Tasuki went on his little weekly sake experience. He didn't get too drunk—just a bit tipsy—but he ended up losing his way to his room and traipsing through half the palace until a rather scared servant pointed him in the right direction. Then, after trying to ram his way into a closet, Tasuki finally staggered into his room. It was rather late at night, now, and after his midnight tirade, Tasuki was ready to drop dead on his bed and sleep till the next coming.

After having some difficultly closing the door, Tasuki wearily stripped down to his faded pair of sleeping pants and more or less made his way into the bathroom, meaning to splash his face with a little water to clear his head. But something went wrong, his hands didn't work properly, and he ended up dunking his whole upper half in the washbasin.

Tasuki hurriedly dried his face and hair with Tamahome's clothes after silently counting to ten. Coming out, he was going to throw himself on his bed that was looking mighty comfortable right then when he saw Tamahome.

His roommate was tossing to and fro, and was broken out in sweat. Not the kind after a good workout, but the cold, clammy perspiration when faced with a traumatizing occurrence. Tamahome was breathing undecipherable words and seemed to be in a great deal of pain. Tasuki stood over his roommate for a moment or two, watching him and unsure of if he should wake him up—and cause Tamahome's insomnia to start up again—when two droplets of water fell from Tasuki's damp hair and onto Tamahome's face. It broke the nightmare. Tamahome's eyelids fluttered open and he found himself staring up at Tasuki's gold eyes.

The next moment was needless for the ears. After Tamahome got over the brief shock of waking up to see someone stare straight at him, he wearily sat up as Tasuki tried to sit down on his own bed and ended up dropping onto it.

"What were you doing?" Tamahome asked indignantly, unsure of what Tasuki's intentions were. Tasuki shrugged, trying to work out the words in his head that were coming very sluggishly before speaking them. "Watching you freak out."

"Say what?"

Tasuki tried to hold consciousness as the after-effects of sake seemed to be pulling him into oblivion. "Freak out. You were twitching and muttering stuff. It sounded bad."

Tamahome eyed him suspiciously. "It sounded bad? How do you know I wasn't dreaming about fluffy bunnies and running through a field of daisies singing happy songs?"

Tasuki scoffed. "Personally, I woulda been freakin' out too if I was dreaming about that. But c'mon, Tama, how many times d'you honestly dream about bunnies and daisies? Please say never, cuz if yah do, I'm switchin' rooms."

Tamahome laughed shortly, filling the room, but the laughter died quickly as he lowered his eyes and hugged himself from a cold wind that Tasuki couldn't feel. "Do I…do that a lot, Tasuki? Freak out, I mean."

Tasuki shrugged as he replayed the words Tamahome said for them to sink into his mud-filled brain at the moment. It was nice, really, to have a civil conversation with Tama-boy, but not at the moment when he felt like his head was being filled with sacks full of cement. It took awhile for Tasuki to answer, party because he wasn't good in these situations, and partly because—obviously—he was drunk. "I dunno; actually this is the first time I've seen it. But eh… I've seen you stand at the window plenty a-times."

Tamahome gave Tasuki a clearly forced smile. "I just can't fall asleep. And I like watching the stars, and… such."

Tasuki stared at Tamahome. "Yea, and I guess that explains the trash bags under your eyes."

The room seemed to get colder, then, as Tamahome lowered his eyes again, staring hard at the floor. "Okay, then… maybe I'm _afraid_ to sleep."

Tasuki was too simple minded and didn't understand these things. "Why the hell wouldja be afraid ta sleep?"

The moment the words were out, they lingered like a cold front and Tasuki wished he hadn't said them, but instead of pushing Tasuki out the window, Tamahome was laughing. "Yea, pretty stupid, right?"

Tasuki bit his lip, the sleep in his head ebbing away a little. "I didn't mean that."

"Of course you did," Tamahome's brow was furrowed very deeply, now, as he went on. "It's just that… I always have nightmares about my mom… how she died. I was so young, and so confused, and I didn't know what was going on," Tamahome's voice quavered, and Tasuki felt like he was doing his best for it not to break.

Even so, a single tear dripped out of Tamahome's eye and landed on his forearm. "I didn't even say goodbye to her…"

Tasuki stood up, walking over to Tamahome's bed. "Tama, I'm sorry."

Tamahome shook his head. "I probably should let go, but I can't. She told me to take care of dad and the others… and I just looked at her like she was crazy… I was only eight years old, but that was the last look I gave her… I didn't even tell her bye… and now I'm afraid to what's going to happen to what's left of my family…"

Tamahome's voice had finally broken, and the next thing he knew, Tasuki was sitting down on the bed next to him, with a strong arm around Tamahome's shoulders.

"I'm sorry, Tama, I'm sorry," was all Tasuki could think of to say.

Tamahome, who was also barebacked and only dressed in a similar pair of sleeping pants, stiffened a bit, but then he relaxed. He hadn't felt a comforting touch of anyone since Miaka said she wasn't allowed to touch him, and now it felt his immense burden was being relieved, if even just a little bit.

The tears were out now, and they felt like they'd been pent up for a long time, for they kept on coming. Tamahome buried his face in Tasuki's neck, and Tasuki held him. He could smell Tasuki: a mixture of alcohol, smoke from his tessen, pine trees, and something else that he couldn't identify. The least likely person of the seven Seishi seemed to reveal a soft side Tamahome had never seen before—it was something that Tasuki hadn't shown to him or any of the others. Was it possible that Tasuki covered a soft interior under macho bravado?

"Maybe I should go join the bandits and live a happy life like yours," Tamahome commented after awhile. Tasuki laughed, his voice full of anguish to Tamahome's surprise. It seemed so out of place with Tasuki's character. "You think I live a happy life?"

"Don't you?"

Tasuki looked away, staring at the perfectly full moon outside of the window. "Naw, it's… it's more like I choose to forget what's happened."

He sighed, shaking his head as he laughed, unaware of the grief that embellished it.

"Anyway, it's nothin' like you've had to live through… my mom's still here, but she was like a dictator, tellin' me how to live…and my dad, well, he wasn't really much of a father, the way he let himself get pushed around like that. My sisters, 'specially Aidou, used to taunt me in front of everyone, and call me sissy and mama's boy."

Tamahome dared to look up, and Tasuki's eyes were closed. Maybe it was because he didn't want Tamahome to see his eyes that would be even more of a giveaway than his laugh.

"I couldn't take it anymore! So I ran off to be a bandit." Tasuki shrugged now. "It wasn't much of a better life the first few years…I was the underdog. But I lived through that, and Rei-Rei's death, and Leader's death…"

Tamahome had heard of Rei-Rei, Tasuki's adopted little sister who'd died trying to protect him. "Is that why… you went away by yourself when Miaka showed up?"

Tasuki opened his eyes again after a moment. "Yea," He said, his voice carefully guarded now. "I just had to… sort some stuff out. Find myself again."

Tasuki swallowed hard, and Tamahome thought he saw his eyes grow brighter than they usually were.

Then, his arms were around Tasuki, skin prickling where it touched his. Tasuki seemed to bring out a much more different reaction in Tamahome's body than it did when he was with Miaka… and this seemed much, much more right. But maybe that was just because he hadn't held her for a long time. "I didn't know… I'm sorry."

Tasuki looked back at him. "Anyway, Tama, you don't have to go on worrying about the family. They'll be okay with the thought that you still care about them."

That phrase had caught Tamahome off-guard. Could _Tasuki_, the blunt, boastful typical _bandit _have said that? Tasuki felt like he had to make up for that statement as well, because he added after a beat, "'Sides, worrying is stupid."

Anyone looking in on them would have thought that they were lovers, but in both of their minds, it was what friends would have done in this situation. Both of them were vulnerable, and both were wounded by the past… and as Tamahome slowly drifted off to sleep, he thought that maybe Tasuki wasn't the happy-go-lucky bandit he portrayed himself to be. Perhaps the show was just to cover up his sensitive nature on the inside that he wanted to hide. _They'll be okay with the thought that you still care about them._ Maybe that was true. And that was when Tamahome fell asleep.

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**A/N: **Oooh, setting up for Part Two (which I'm in the middle of writing. It's even giving _me_ stomach butterflies. In a good way. And I'm not even involved. Whee.) Please R&R with what you think. Muchly appreciated. Give and you shall receive. You get the idea. Thanks. ) x Belles 


	2. Uncertainty

**A/N: **Hi again! Sorry about the delay. It so totally wasn't my fault, because my account was temporarily locked until now because something in the code is wrong. Or maybe I am. :shifty eyes: (For the full rant, you can view my profile.) In any case, I'm back. **Thank you, everyone, who kindly reviewed my story**. It's given me a lot of encouragement. I think I'm only going to make this 3 to 4 parts at the most. It was meant to be a one-shot, but I broke it up into parts to make it easier to read. (And to keep you in suspense, of course. Hehe.) Anyway, I guess that's it for this time, and don't forget to listen to plenty of sappy music while reading! My recommendation for today is **This Is Your Life – Switchfoot. **

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_The Calm Before The Storm_

The next morning, Tamahome awoke very late. He was safely in bed and Tasuki was gone. Over the next few weeks, Tamahome wasn't sure if the incident that night had ever happened, or if he had dreamed it. Tasuki had gone back to his usual taunts and blunt character, as if nothing had happened. Either way, what occurred was all very foggy to Tamahome, as if it didn't want to be remembered clearly. Nonetheless, even if Tasuki had never said any of that and it was all in Tamahome's insomniac head—which was very likely—he felt relieved all the same: they say crying is for sissies, but it had relieved a lot of steam from Tamahome's broken-down system.

Tamahome studied Tasuki carefully when he came to get him for lunch that day, and he was thoroughly convinced that none of it the night before had happened by the way Tasuki was acting when he caught Tamahome's eye and gave him a grin that wasn't like his usual carefree smile. But maybe that was imagined, too, for the next moment it was gone and he was chasing after Miaka for stealing his rice.

Tamahome and Tasuki went on arguing over petty things, but not with the hate they'd had before. Now, it was more like friends quarreling, and overall, they got along.

About a month later, the Seishi had a day off, and they chose—or rather, Miaka chose _for_ them—to go picnicking out by the river. Hotohori couldn't accompany them because of a government official coming by from Bei-Jia, but the rest of them packed a lunch and schlepped down to a sunny spot by the sparkling clear river. It was one of those summer days too perfect to spend cooped inside where the sky was perfectly blue and the grass was at its softest and the flowers were showing off in full bloom and you didn't feel like doing anything except lying around and goofing off. Even the birds were lazily perched on trees and chirping their contentment every so often.

The sun seemed to envelop everything with a fine layer of hazy dust that settled on everything with rays of golden light. Of course Chichiri wanted to fish, and Chiriko decided to go with him, and then Mitsukake had to follow to take care of Chiriko and because Tama wanted fish, too. Miaka wanted to pick flowers at the far edge of the field, and Nuriko decided to along with to see what pretty flowers she could find. Tasuki, who hated water, had flopped down on a grassy spot by a weeping willow tree by the picnic basket. Tamahome, out of sheer boredom than anything else—because he didn't want to fish nor pick flowers—dropped down on the grass to accompany Tasuki.

The distant noises of Chiriko squealing over his first fish—his character was gone—and Miaka and Nuriko having a catfight in the field drifted with the light wind back to the pair of roomies. Tasuki was looking over at Miaka and Nuriko as they bickered and suddenly flowers were flying everywhere, like a rampant cow decided to throw up all over the pair of "women". Tasuki was laughing at them, his usual blithe face back on.

Tamahome, remembering random phrases from a particular night, couldn't help but wonder if Tasuki's act was all a charade.

Personally, Tamahome was feeling a bit cold, though the fact that he was in the shade had nothing to do with it. The day was perfectly warm.

A random bee buzzed by Tamahome's ear, thinking it was a flower and ready to make love to it before Tamahome gave it other intentions when he threw up his arm and waved it away. As his arm was coming up, it accidentally brushed Tasuki's arm and the familiar sensation of his skin prickling struck Tamahome again, the hairs on his arm standing on end. He cautiously looked over at his sitting mate, but Tasuki hadn't seemed to notice as he was encouraging Chiriko to try and fish for himself.

Tamahome now focused on Miaka and Nuriko, who were currently flinging flowers in each other's faces. Funny as it was, all he could focus on was Miaka, and how every time he went to go talk to her now, she wouldn't come near him. "It's because of Suzaku," she would tell him, and understand as he did, Tamahome couldn't help but miss when Miaka was in his arms, and she would tell him it was all right…

But Miaka didn't know about Tamahome's vulnerability. Miaka cried so much over her own troubles, Tamahome couldn't bring himself to break himself down in front of her and give her something else to worry about. He had to be her protector.

But who was to be his?

He was struck suddenly by how close his and Tasuki's hands were to each other. The pair of them were leaning back, using their arms to prop themselves up. Biting his lip, Tamahome carefully slid his hand over. The lush grass tickled his palm as he painstakingly, deliberately made his actions slow. The first of his fingers brushed over Tasuki's and without looking at him, looking anywhere but him, Tamahome hesitantly placed his cold hand over Tasuki's warm one. It wasn't anything to think twice about. All that was going through Tamahome's mind was that he needed someone with whom he could cry to, and not have to keep up this thing of being the all-time-strong hero. And, as unlikely as it could be—as unlikely as Tasuki fit the description of the person he needed—he'd already chosen him.

And that was it.

Tasuki didn't seem to react at first, but then his smile seemed to disappear a little as he dropped his eyes. Tamahome didn't care. Tasuki could remove his hand, and Tamahome would understand. But he didn't.

And after awhile, the tension in his arm loosened, and Tamahome relaxed just a little bit more. And then…and then, Tasuki turned his hand over and interlaced his fingers with Tamahome's. It was so sudden, something that Tamahome knew he wanted as soon as he felt Tasuki's fingers interlace with his own but all the same wasn't expecting in the _least_. Tasuki's grip wasn't firm, but it wasn't loose either. To Tamahome, it was there, and that was all that mattered. He stole a glance at the bandit's face, and Tasuki was laughing at Nuriko while (s)he chucked flowers by the armload at Miaka, who was yelling shrilly at the top of her lungs, coughing every so often as flower petals got sucked down her throat. The day went on, and between Tasuki and Tamahome, it was like nothing had happened. But the two hands, so simple, and yet so complicated, could prove otherwise.

And then came the day to travel by boat to Bei-Jia.

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**A/N: **Yea, that's about all I have for today. Review and tell me what you think. 


	3. Lovers

**Soak: Seasick Part III**

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**A/N:** This part took me so long! (And you can tell because it's such a long read. Your eyeballs will probably be sore. Haha.) But it's the most emotional, I think. Tamahome and Tasuki definitely come into realization of their until-now buried feelings for each other. **And this chapter is where the title comes in!** Hooray!  
I want to give a big old thank you to all of my reviewers – I would be nowhere without you: **ChibiKaz** (the first one! Thanks so much!), **Pointy-Eared Archer** (thanks for the encouragement – I've never really thought of myself as a pioneer! Haha), **Shunyata Ryuen** (thanks for all your constructive criticism! You're an awesome writer so it's nice to get your feedback), **Chiri** (aww thanks sweetie!), and **WhozThatGurl** (how'd I do on this chapter? )  
THANK YOU ALL! Y'all get a big tin of fudge, Tamahome and Tasuki plushies, and kisses from Tamahome and Tasuki. I love you!

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_The Storm_

The seagulls cawing in the distance framed a peaceful background, where the sky and the sea met as one. The crisp, salty air blew the ship's creamy masts into a full arch. Earlier that day, everything had been perfect. Hotohori had offered to let Tamahome's family move into the city, where they would certainly be looked after. Tamahome had discovered Tasuki's weakness – he couldn't swim – and had had a joyous morning holding him over the endless blue sea. When he was with Tasuki, he found that he couldn't worry about anything. It was like something about Tasuki made Tamahome forget all his troubles, and he had felt nothing but joy when Hotohori told him about his offer. Tamahome had forgotten to worry. And now… just a mere two hours later… his world was gone. All he ever knew, everything he ever loved…

They were all dearly departed. All the other seishi called it losing them, but they weren't lost. Tamahome's family was gone, and no matter where he went – whether it was Qu Dong, Hong Nan, Bei Jia, or the ends of the earth – he wouldn't be able to find them.

The peaceful day had gone on without end. Tamahome had been a little surprised – he had kind of thought that suddenly the bright sunshine would be cut off, and the world would suddenly stop. But it hadn't; rather, harshly contrasting to the events. It had drifted lazily on, as if blinded to the deaths that had stained its edges.

So now, after a few, polite words to Miaka to keep his never-weakened protector act up, Tamahome was back to looking out at the sea. Nobody tried to bother him; even Tama the cat knew enough to leave him alone. Smelling the sea-drenched air, Tamahome remembered some of the words that a friend had said to him a long time ago: _They'll be okay with the thought that you still care about them._ But they hadn't. Tamahome's eternal care for his family was surpassed by Suboshi's anger and his hurt for his dead brother. Tamahome wondered if Suboshi and Amiboshi had a connection deeper than his. Because Tamahome's concern hadn't been enough to save them. And now, as he felt the sea foam spray upon his face, mingling with his equally salty tears, he knew that tears weren't enough to bring them back, either.

From the time that Tamahome came back from his family visit, Tasuki could sense that something was wrong. Tamahome's thin, transparent smile didn't hide his bloodshot eyes and pale, fatigued face.

Tamahome didn't talk to anyone – he was either cooped up in his room, or perched on the starboard, staring into the same crashing waves of the ocean that made Tasuki sick to his stomach.

Despite the fact that Tasuki couldn't stand to look at the dizzying waters, he spent half of his time there looking into the blue as well – vomiting. When he could control himself enough, he took care to empty his stomach on the port side, away from Tamahome. But sometimes, it was either run to the starboard, or throw up on the ship.

It was Nuriko who spread the tragic news to Tasuki. Tasuki knew that this time, he couldn't say anything, however idiotic, to make Tamahome feel better. Before, he was able to make Tamahome stop worrying about his family with a few simple words; but now that they were no longer on this earth, there was nothing more to say.

Not that Tasuki didn't try. Many times, he would start to approach Tamahome, but as soon as he left the cabins, all his words of comfort sounded stupid, even to himself. Thus, Tasuki spent most of his days either being seasick or watching Tamahome from a distance, sometimes pacing back and forth, sometimes waving around his tessen, sometimes just watching. And all the time trying to think of anything to make Tamahome laugh again.

Often, Nuriko or Chichiri would pass by, and hear Tasuki muttering to himself:

"I know that… um… naw, eh… why're yah so sad… damn… uh… cheer up, they're still with you, err… fuck!"

And then Tasuki would shake his head, run his hands through his hair, and pace again, brows furrowed and gold eyes glinting dangerously.

"I worry about him. I think the sea is making him crazy," Nuriko said once to Chichiri, shaking his head, but the monk just shrugged. "Hasn't Tasuki always been like that?"

-o-o-o-

One night, Tamahome, as usual, was sitting on his usual spot on starboard. The sky was unusually clouded over, and the stars weren't there.

Tamahome was back to not sleeping. Even though his worst nightmare had come true, when he was asleep, he kept on reliving it… when he saw his family amidst the blood… and Jie-Lian die in his arms. When he didn't sleep, at least, Tamahome could numb his mind with the hypnosis of the sea.

Suddenly, the door to the lower cabins slammed open, and Tasuki frantically ran up the stars, clutching his mouth, and practically threw himself down against the side of the ship as he threw that night's dinner back up.

Tamahome stared as Tasuki wiped his mouth, looking green, slumping down against the ship and holding his head in his hands.

"Sorry for the sound effects," Tasuki muttered, coughing. "Why're you up so late?"

Tamahome lowered his eyes, turning back around. "I can't… sleep again."

Tasuki bit his lip, staring at Tamahome hard. After a pause: "I'm sorry, Tama… I guess… I guess my idea didn't work."

"Idea?"

"Your family… even though yah cared till the end… they didn't turn out all right," Tasuki fiddled with his coat. "I guess I'll hafta eat my words from now."

Tamahome laughed shortly, filling up the silent night with an echoing sound that sounded strange silhouetted against the black. "It's not your fault. It's…"

_It's my fault,_ Tamahome thought, but didn't say it. But Tasuki heard his mind's voice anyway.  
"So then you're… blamin' yourself."

It caught Tamahome off guard. He _was_ to blame. He wasn't home enough, didn't get to see his brothers and sisters grow up. He tried to earn enough money for his family to live and be happy, but he didn't realize that what they needed most was _him_. All the while, he was trying to help his family, and he ended up hurting them in the worst way. So of course, he was to blame.

"Tama, blamin' yourself isn't going to do anything. It wasn't yer fault."

And Tamahome knew that. Even so, the tears started to well up again, as if on cue.

"I just… think that if I was there more… they would still be alive." Tamahome's voice broke, and he found himself sobbing before he could stop himself, as hard as that day when he was painstakingly burying his family. He was surprised as he sunk down to sitting level – he thought the tears had stopped.

But unlike the cold, abandoned day when he was laying his family in the ground, now he felt strong arms hold him from behind. The familiar touch on Tamahome's skin, the warm body against his again felt like there was somebody to share his pain, to hold his burden. And even though that might have been silly, right then, Tamahome forgot everything else except that Tasuki was there. What power did Tasuki have, that was able to wash away all of Tamahome's hurt, however temporarily?  
Tasuki didn't say anything, and that was all right.

"Thank you… Tasuki." Tamahome whispered. He still didn't understand why he let Tasuki stay with him, and hold him, when he hadn't let Miaka.

"It's nothin'. But hey… If you, eh, ever need somebody ta talk to… come find me."

Tamahome felt safe with Tasuki's arms circled around him, and after a long while of staring up at the clouds, Tamahome found that he could close his eyes, and sleep again.

-o-o-o-

It was night.

Ever since Tamahome and Tasuki's brief talk, Tamahome had tried to sleep. But it hadn't worked, and before he knew what was going on, he would find himself at the starboard again, gazing off into the distance. He was starting to wonder if there was something wrong with him or his mentality; maybe the fact that he was spending so much time staring out at the sea was his heart trying to tell him something – to end it all, to join his family, and to be happy again.

But Tamahome knew that that idea was silly as soon as it crossed his mind. Even if he wanted to (as some nights he did), he knew he had to go on until Suzaku's summoning was completed. He didn't want to be the failure of Suzaku.

Now, it was two nights later, and Tamahome was tossing and turning in his bed again, half-asleep while Jie-Lian happily died in his arms, her little blood-streaked hands touching his face.

The next thing he knew, Tamahome had scrambled out of bed and into the narrow hallway, where the only light was the moon's glow shining from the visible sky above. The ship's unsteady rocking on the water made Tamahome walk in an odd teeter-totter, bouncing from wall to wall like he was drunk. Once he slammed against Nuriko's door, which flung open, and Tamahome would've tumbled into the room if he hadn't clutched the doorframe.

Dizzily shutting the door again, he took two more steps, paused against the wall, and then tottered to the other wall – or rather, the door.

It was the door to Tasuki's room, Tamahome realized. He vaguely remembered Tasuki telling him to come find him if he needed someone. Oh, god, yes, Tamahome needed someone. He didn't want to spend another sleepless night dully glaring at nothing in particular. But at such an hour… was it all right?

Tamahome bit his lip and tried knocking, once, twice, three times. And then he paused, listening, almost hoping that nobody would answer.

But somebody did. "Go away, Nuriko, it's late an' I'm not in th' mood!"

Tamahome blinked, and decided not to decipher that one. Too many possibilities.

"Tasuki? It's… it's me." He called hesitantly.

"Tama?" Tasuki's growl melted into a softer tone, and a moment later, shifting footsteps were heard as Tasuki opened the door, fully clothed.

Now that Tasuki was at the door, Tamahome felt foolish. "I, uh… I mean…"

Tasuki pulled him into the room, ignoring his stuttering, and closed the door.

Tamahome leaned against the wall, stare firmly fixed on the floorboards somewhere behind Tasuki's boots. "It's, um, late. Sorry."

Tasuki shrugged, grinning halfheartedly. "Eh, I couldn't sleep anyhow. Too much damn rocking. So… what's up?"

The tears started up again, and Tamahome inwardly cursed himself for having soaked up so many tears from some unknown source. "I keep seeing… Jie-Lian… she won't get out of my head," Tamahome's hands went up to his face, clawing at his hair.

Then Tasuki was hugging him again, the warm sensation of Tasuki's body soaking into Tamahome, the memorable essence of forgetting wrapping him into a kind of painfully sweet bliss.

Tamahome collapsed, giving into Tasuki's hold, the tears coming faster than ever.

"I'm so scared, Tasuki! I don't want them haunting me anymore, but I don't want to forget! I'm so scared!"

Tasuki held him strongly, stroking Tamahome's raven hair, rubbing his back. It was all a fresh relief, but Tamahome knew that once he went into his own room again, the relief would leave him to the misery again. Tasuki's touch wasn't enough. It was good, but it wasn't enough to make Tamahome forget and move on altogether.

Even so, Tamahome held onto the feeling, though he wanted – needed – more.

It was then that Tasuki coughed.

And then Tasuki let go, one hand at his stomach, the other covering his mouth, his skin tinged with green again.

"Tasuki, what—"  
Tasuki shook his head, heading for the deck. He was ill again.

"Fuck, I hate this—" Tasuki muttered thickly as he clambered for the stairs, but Tamahome, in a fit of impulse, grabbed Tasuki's arm and held him back.

And then…

And then, without thinking, as he'd been doing a lot of lately…

Tamahome kissed him.

The pain, all Tamahome's hurt was instantly lifted off. He could think of nothing else except for Tasuki's lips upon his. It was a desperate attempt, Tamahome knew, but the moment that their mouths touched, it was right.

Tasuki had stiffened at first, resisting against Tamahome, but after a long, long pause, Tasuki kissed him back.

It was so, so good; like all of Tamahome's peace of mind had come back to him, and yet fits of overwhelming emotions were rushing into his body faster than he could comprehend. It was a feeling of ecstasy. Tasuki provided something that Miaka couldn't – something that Tamahome couldn't explain.

Tamahome cautiously deepened the kiss: sliding his tongue into Tasuki's mouth, feeling Tasuki go along with him, holding him, crushing him, hurting him almost, but he didn't care. Tasuki made no move to push Tamahome back; his bout of nausea must have moved on.

For one, happy moment, Tamahome felt that he could and _would_ stay with Tasuki. Forever. His pain would never come back, and Tasuki would be his rapture eternally.

And then he knew he couldn't. What would his family have thought of him being with Tasuki – another man? What would the other seishi think? What would _Miaka_ think?

His family… Tamahome remembered how happy they were to see Miaka, something that Tamahome finally treasured more than money.

How would it be if he disappointed them all?

Tasuki must have thought the same as well, for he pulled back slowly the same instant Tamahome did. For a moment, the two stood with their arms around each other, foreheads touching, and the emotional ache coming back. Tamahome wanted so much more from Tasuki right now. If only they could… but they couldn't.

Ridden with responsibility, the two of them could be nothing more except friends.

As much as Tamahome knew that, he couldn't let go of Tasuki's body.

And then reason disappeared. They could make it work somehow. They could run off – desert everything and everyone – and live the rest of their lives together, happy, euphoric.

They could. Tasuki kissed Tamahome again, so passionate, so deep with emotion; and Tamahome took that as unconscious consent.

But Tasuki pulled away again, sitting down on his bed, saying the opposite of what he had just made Tamahome feel. "We… we can't."

Tamahome persisted, stunned. "Yes, we can."

"No." Tasuki stood up now, rocking back unsteadily as the ship lurched.

"Why?"

Tasuki stared at him a bit, seemingly exasperated. "You know why, Tama. You know why. I don' hafta tell you."

Tamahome knew that. Dammit, he _knew_ why! But he didn't _understand_! "Why do we have to play by the rules? The rules that don't make sense! Fuck rules! I'm tired of all this!" Tamahome was feeling so impulsive now; telling himself that yes, he and Tasuki could work, even as his mind knew that it wouldn't. Hope against reason. Faith against logic.

Tasuki sighed in vexation, stiffly scratching his head. "Because we… aw, c'mon, Tama, I'm th' leader of the boys, and yah've got your responsibilities, like Miaka—"

"I don't care." Tamahome was clinging to a hope that wasn't there anymore, unwilling to let it go even as Tasuki told him to. He knew he sounded like a little boy. A spoiled, little boy who was unwilling to do anything anybody's way except his own.

"Tama… let me go."

"No." Tamahome squared himself, clenching his fists. "I'm not going to do that, Tasuki. You think I'm going to let you go, now that I finally can face my feelings for you? I've already had to let my whole entire family go, all right? I'm not ready to do that again."

"Yah gotta."

The blunt answer was so like Tasuki… _so like him!_ And this time, it was the truth. And Tamahome knew. But his vision was clouded over with desire, faith, with… Tasuki. How could Tasuki, in so short a time, manage to soak his very soul into Tamahome?

It wasn't supposed to work like that. But it did.

It did.

And Tamahome felt himself hopelessly, exhaustedly slump down against the floor, cradling his pounding head. If he let Tasuki go, the nightmares would come back, this time ten times worse because him losing Tasuki would be in the nightmares: they would _be_ the nightmares.

If only he was able to throw up his feelings for Tasuki into the blue sea like Tasuki did his food.

Tamahome didn't know how long he sat there, knowing Tasuki was right, and fighting his head, fighting against the urge to pull Tasuki down on the bed and…and…

When Tamahome looked back up again, the room was empty.

Tasuki had left.

-o-o-o-

Tamahome's kiss had cured Tasuki's nausea, but it had started his own mental seasickness.

And after that, Tamahome didn't see Tasuki much anymore.

Except from a distance… when Tasuki was seasick.

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**A/N:** I'm writing the epilogue right now. It's a nice epilogue, I think – one you should definitely read if you liked this story. I'll probably be editing it a lot and making changes. So give me your feedback.


	4. Strangers

**Soak: Seasick Part IV**

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**A/N: **And here is the much allotted epilogue. There's not much dialogue in this part, but I thought it was needed to summarize the rest, because if I ended it at the last part, leaving everyone in limbo would just be cruel. Plus, that's the type of story that I'd read and get mad at for the ending. So yes. **A HUMONGOUS thank you to all my reviewers. You all are so sweet, so helpful, and I wouldn't be here without your encouragement. As cliche as that sounds, it's true. This fic probably would have been dead. So you all know who you are - hopefully you'll continue to read my fics. **_And so it ends..._

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_Epilogue– To Breathe Again..._

Strangely enough, the world still didn't end. It went on, as did Miaka and the seven seishi's long, long journey.

Tamahome stopped trying to live the way he wanted to anymore. What did it matter… when the people you love the most are all gone, all taken away from you? Suzaku had given him a chance to fulfill his destiny and live life to the fullest. And Tamahome had forsaken it, whether it be that he was too weak, too hesitant, or too late.

So he let the rest of his life flow around him and drag him under with it, instead of trying to go against the current and breathe the fresh air of true happiness.

He found that gradually he could love, _really _love, Miaka. She was so naïve, so defenseless, that she needed a protector for always. And some of her quirks weren't so bad after all. He could spend the rest of his life with her, and forget. Tamahome occupied himself with looking out for her in the day, rushing to her side every time she called out his name. He eventually pushed everything out of his mind, body, heart, and soul except for Miaka. She was now his sole reason for living, and his sole purpose of being on this earth. Tamahome managed to forget to the point of amnesia; when he brushed against the flaming red hair that he once tangled his hands within, he felt no pain; when he glanced at the tormented gold eyes that he had once looked deep within, he saw nothing; when he bumped into the warm body clothed in silk that he had once held with his arms and his heart, his skin no longer prickled; when he heard the familiar low voice ridden with cussing, he no longer understood the past conversations he'd held with a past lover.

Tasuki seemingly felt nothing as well, and if he did, he drowned them in his sake and Tamahome never even thought about going to talk to him again.

At first, Tamahome had the nightmares again, except his family wasn't in them at all. It was all consumed with Tasuki, what could have been… **what could have been**, had Tamahome and Tasuki chosen that path. But they hadn't. And this time, there was nobody to come take Tamahome's nightmares away from him. For a time, it was all right; Tasuki was in his nightmares, and that was what mattered, even if every time he dreamed it broke Tamahome's heart all over again. He could talk to Tasuki in his dreams. In reality, when the sun was up, he shouldn't and couldn't.

He had forgotten, and it was done.

Tamahome focused instead on Miaka, his world now. And gradually, dreams of Tasuki faded away. Tamahome could sleep now, rather dreamless, colorless sleeps, though always tainted with a somewhat haunted air.

After finally summoning Suzaku, Tamahome actually gave up his memories to become Taka. When Miaka told him that in order to become Taka, he would have to start over, become someone else, with no memory of what had happened in the past, Tamahome hesitated, a sudden burst of somebody other than Miaka flooding his mind for the first time in a long while. A part of him was screaming for him not to do it, while the other part of him told him it would be better to forget. Why live the rest of life with pain?

Tamahome chose to escape.

But even in his easy way of escape, Taka found that he could not forget. Of course, he forgot Tasuki and everyone, everything else. But certain remembrances would cause an unknown tear to come forth, an unconscious agony to flare up again. And when he received his jewel of memory from twenty-one-year-old Tasuki, it all came back to him.

The stupid bickering, the long talks when he couldn't sleep, the prickling skin, the shade of an oak and two intertwined hands, the bright moonlight on the ship… the kiss that still burned his lips… and the parting. Taka could never part from this brief but powerful bond between him and Tasuki no matter how hard he tried, whether it was forgetting, being reborn, or sleeping.

The jewel of memory was like reading a story about his past, overlooked life, and Taka was both disappointed and hurt at how anticlimactic the parting was.

Could that really have been the end? Just stupid responsibilities getting in the way, Tasuki walking out, and never facing feelings again?

Even as he said that to himself, Taka willed himself to disregard it all over again, though the nightmares hit him forcefully again. He and Tasuki never talked about it when he was reclaiming his jewel of memory. He watched as Tasuki was overcome by a spell and attacked Miaka, his argument being that Taka hurt her too much.

He knew that Tasuki was, in a last attempt, trying to get Miaka out of the way so that he could have Taka for himself. But in the end, Tasuki still gave him up.

Taka did hurt everyone he loved too much. It was the one thing he could effortlessly achieve, and the one thing that he had brought from one world to another.

He did it again as he walked away from Tasuki another time after the jewels of memory were all received. This time he didn't even bother to look back.

And then, when he acquired another chance to go back into the book when Mayo vanished into it, Taka carefully avoided Tasuki on the inside, though he fought alongside him like the allies and friends that they now were… only friends.

He knew, somehow, that it'd be the last time he'd see Tasuki. That he'd never spend another night quarreling about useless junk like the wet boots on the bed, or laugh with him over a jug of sake, or feel his body against his, the glinting fangs grinning at him.

Before Taka left, he paused to look at Tasuki, one last time. Tasuki was looking normal, with a carefree and casually cool look gracing his face, but Taka once again thought about how, maybe it was all a charade, masking the pain behind his dangerous eyes.

Tasuki had suddenly returned Taka's gaze, and for one moment, _one moment_, Taka held Tasuki's heartrending sorrow in his hands again.

And then,

And then it was over.

The night after Taka returned, he lay in bed looking at the moon. Suddenly, he heard, "I'm sorry, Tama. I guess… I guess my idea didn't work."

And then, out of nowhere, the tears started again. Miaka was asleep beside him, so Taka hardly bit his lip, choking back the wrenching heaves that tried to burrow themselves out of deep within. But, like his undying love and care for Tasuki, Taka did not allow it to surface, biting it back, forcing it back down to a corner of his heart.

Miaka's love for Taka never healed the wound. It was something to cover up for it, something that Taka could smile about, though the smile was never full nor completely genuine. Because he always had, and always would care about Tasuki. He had lost a part of him when he lost Tasuki.

He wondered if Tasuki was still all right with the thought that Taka still cared.

But then, his family hadn't been… so maybe Tasuki wasn't, either.

Care wasn't enough. To be there was enough. To be there. Care… wasn't enough.

It was over.

Taka, before drifting off into a restless sleep, wondered if Tasuki still traveled by ship.

And if he did, if he was still physically seasick.

Or maybe it was all emotional seasickness now, like his.

_**-Fin-**_

_The worst is over now, and we can breathe again,  
__I want to hold you high, you steal my pain away,  
__There's so much left to learn, and no one left to find  
__I want to hold you high and steal your pain…  
_'_Cause I'm broken, when I'm open,  
__And I don't feel like I am strong enough,  
_'_Cause I'm broken, when I'm lonesome  
__And I don't feel right, when you're gone away…  
__You've gone away, you don't feel me here… anymore.  
- __Broken (Seether ft. Amy Lee)_

_I watched the walls around me crumble,  
But it's not like that will build them up again,  
So here's your last chance for redemption,  
So take it while it lasts because it will end,  
Don't want to be the last to know,  
Don't want to be the one to chase you,  
But at the same time you're the heart that I call home.  
I'm always stuck with these emotions,  
And the more I try to feel the less I'm whole…  
And my tears are turning into time I've wasted  
To find a reason for goodbye…  
I can't live without you, can't breathe without you,  
I dream about you honestly tell me that it's over…  
Because the world is spinning and I'm still living,  
It won't be right if we're not in it together,  
Tell me that it's over…  
- Over (Lindsay Lohan)_

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**A/N: **Okay.. so maybe that wasn't much better than a cliffhanger ending. So here's your option: either stop reading now if you like sad endings, or go on and read **the optional one **(i already posted it). it's sort of happier, I guess, so this way I can please both types of audiences (though that's not what I do most of the time). This time, though, I was sort of reading it over, later, and was mad at myself for seperating Tama and Tasuki in the end. So I wrote a sappy ending for myself. And then I decided to include it.  
**It doesn't have to be the actual ending: it's just an option.** So read on, if you like. But don't yell at me if you don't like it. Thanks to everyone - gift baskets all around!


	5. The Revelation

**Soak: Seasick Part IV.V (4.5 in Roman Numerals.. hehe)**

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**A/N: **Ah, so you decided to read on. I'm not sure why I made this another entire installment, exactly. I was just going to have it after the song lyrics at the end of the epilogue - but then I just decided to make it wholly something else. **Closing words: **Let me just say that this was the first Tama/Tasuki fic that I've ever completed. Weird, ain't it? In the past, the slashes I've done with them have been longer fics that are sitting on my desktop, uncompleted. But I actually finished this one! Yay! This was such an enjoyment to write, and I hope to read as well. Yes, there were times when it got so frustrating and I wanted to delete it into oblivion because I thought it was such crap. But then I just took some time off from it and came back later after a good night's sleep - which by the way helps a lot. I hope you all have enjoyed reading. Adieu!

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**_The Revelation…_**

_Taka felt himself let go. It was time. Home was no longer on this earth, and though he was leaving Miaka behind, he felt that she would understand. Some way. Somehow._

_It was the only way for the pain to stop, and though Taka didn't do it himself, he willingly let go without a struggle._

_It wasn't as bad as everyone made it out to be. Death… was nothing more than a peculiar feeling, though he was a little afraid of where he would go. How would he find his way?_

_When Taka opened his eyes again, everything was covered with a layer of blinding brightness. He looked back at his lifeless body, lying on the kitchen floor, a peaceful smile gracing his cold face. Miaka would not discover him for another four hours._

_And by then, he'd be long gone._

"_Tama." That familiar voice… where was it coming from?_

_A burst of startling red hair and golden eyes seemed to uncover something buried deep beneath, like the sands of time were being brushed aside to reveal something that Taka hadn't felt in awhile. But… he wasn't Taka. He was… _

_The golden eyes were gleaming as the stranger smiled, revealing pointed fangs. "Yah finally came. It's about time, too."_

_Finally came? What was this boy talking about? And he had called him 'Tama'. _

…_Tama…small flares of recognition. The name was igniting something deep within. From somewhere, fragments of six friends laughing, of death and tears as they buried them, of being reborn… of an unrequited love?_

_And then Tamahome knew. His lavender eyes lit up; and Tasuki smiled. Even in death, Tasuki's devilish looks could not be smothered, even as his sparkling eyes softened. "I've been waitin' for yah. A long, long time, too. I was about tah give up if yah didn't show up soon. Yer such a damn slowpoke."_

_Tasuki… Tasuki had waited? For Tamahome? _

_Why? "Why?"_

"_Why're yah a slowpoke? I dunno. Oh," Tasuki comprehended when Tamahome gave him a puzzled look. "Yah mean why I waited. Well…" Tasuki hesitated, looking away. "I haven't… been able tah let go." He closed his eyes again, like he did so long ago, when he didn't want Tamahome to see his surfaced pain. "I know it was stupid, and yea, I know you were with Miaka, but I just… couldn't let yah go… like I did that night_ _on the ship."_

_So Tasuki had so patiently waited for Tamahome all these years, faithfully counting on the feelings still yet to grow between them. And even after death, he had watched from above, not letting himself move on._

_Tamahome sighed, feeling all the pain he had grown so accustomed to living with finally lifting off of him forever, immediately feeling so much more lighter… and whole. "Well… I'm here now, Tasuki. I'm here now." _

_Taking Tasuki's hand, he took a final, long look back down at his past life. And then, Tamahome no longer afraid, they walked towards their final destination without looking back.

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_To infinite, ever present Love, all is Love, and there is no error, no sin, sickness, nor death.  
--Mary Baker Eddy_

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**A/N: **Ye-es. :grins:

So, what comes next? Well, after writing such a heavy, depressing fic, I think I'm going to do a humorous one. It's going to be called **Parental Advisory**, featuring Tama and Tasuki again. But this time, it's not a slash pairing, more like the unhappy friends get stuck together in a bad situation. But you can always count on Tasuki's slapstick routine and Tamahome's straightman thing with his accomplished deadpan humor. So look for itas well as the Amiboshi fic (Home) in the next week. Thanks everyone. It's been fun. (Good god, I sound like I'm on my deathbed.)- **x Belles**


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